Memory Lane Has a Lot of Exits
you can hold your past in a way that works for you, not against you
How you hold your DREAMS matters. We explored that in “Ruby’s Life”. There’s something else I’d like to explore that matters just as much.
How you hold your MEMORIES matters.
Join me on a trip down memory lane to illustrate why this is so.
In the early 1990s I was living my dream…
I was in NYC where I was a member of an off-Broadway theatre company where I performed the classics (in rotating repertory!) at night, and worked in a busy upscale restaurant during the day. Both places had a feeling of family.
One day, Atmane, the busboy, sold me his bike for $50.00.
This changed everything. All I wanted to do with my limited free time was ride my bike around the city and SEE what was going on everywhere.
People “at street level” — vendors, performers, the homeless, bike messengers — they all fascinated me. Observing them made me want to know more. Open as I was, I would stop and talk to them.
Thrilled by what I was hearing, I wished I could capture it. It became my practice to whip a blank book out of my satchel and write down what they had to say. No one ever seemed to mind. In fact, I think they felt honored and it opened them up even more — kind of like the Humans of New York effect.
I took pride in getting their words down verbatim… and filled many blank books with my encounters.
I’ll jump past a large swath of story that entailed a LOT of bike riding, and move ahead in time to…
The late 1990s when I left NYC…
This is when I started drawing Ruby. As I got a handle on what she looked like and how she behaved on the page, she needed things to do. Who better to interact with than the people whose exact words filled my books?
The illustrated story of a young woman in search of her ‘thing’ — her reason for being in the world — came together and I called it Ruby’s Very Good Thing. I still treasure that 96 page book as one of the best things that’s ever come through me.
Which brings me to the point of this post…
How we hold our memories matters.
When I look at Ruby’s Very Good Thing I’m filled with admiration for the free-spirited, open, adventurous, artistic 20-something I was.
BUT there is (or was) another part of me — a more mature, rational, practical part of me — that looks back and judges my life choices harshly…
“Gawwww, what was WRONG with me?? Why was I just hanging out all the time when I should have been making and saving money… money I don’t have NOW because I was such a slacker back then. Or why wasn’t ‘finding a life mate’ on my radar?? I was at my physical peak, I could have gotten somebody good! Someone who could have been creating wealth for the both of us!! What was I THINKING??”
Do you ever find yourself doing a similar number on yourself about some aspect of your past?
If you do, not cool.
To get WHY it’s not cool to hold ‘back then’ in an unfavorable light (even if it really was unfavorable), let’s look at what memories ARE…
Memories are made up of a bunch of smaller pieces of information that show up in the form of something you see, feel, and/or hear
Memories are a representation of something that happened — meaning they aren’t what actually happened because that is over, done, gone
Memories are an interpretation of what happened
FUN FACT:
every time you visit a memory,
it changes based on what you're feeling
when you recall that memory
Which means…
memories are not the holders of “facts” that we think they are
not only CAN memories be changed, they just DO change
memories are malleable
Which begs the question…
If it is in their nature to change, what’s to stop us from intentionally… skillfully… consciously changing them SO THAT they’re empowering us rather than upsetting us and limiting us?
Nothing.
Well, except maybe not knowing how to do it. That would be the only reason to not do it.
When it comes to memories, the reality is…
1 .Your interpretation of what the pieces of information inside a memory MEAN is what matters most.
2. You have the POWER to re-interpret and re-frame anything you want inside a memory.
3. You can consciously update your internal operating system SO THAT your memories work for you, rather than against you.
Let’s use my life as an example…
When I look back at the 1990s and I say, “Wow, I was open, connected, creatively alive — what a beautiful, formative era!” I feel proud… I feel resourced... I feel like someone who had — and still does have — a thread of magic running through my life.
But when I look at it through the lens of, “What a waste. I wasn’t responsible. I wasn’t strategic. I missed my chance,” I feel shame… I feel scarcity… I feel like someone who messed up and is now behind because of it.
Which one of those ways of framing ‘back then’ is going to serve me better today?
Correct.
And it’s not only how I feel that changes, it’s also what I believe to be true about myself… the world… and what’s possible that changes, too.
Yuh.
How we hold our memories is THAT consequential.
Before we tap together today, I came across this quote in Vicki Robin’s Substack post that I love. It feels right on in terms of the ‘honoring’ aspect of what has been…
You need only claim the events of your life to make yourself yours.
When you truly possess all you have been and done,
which may take some time,
you are fierce with reality.
When at last age has assembled you together,
will it not be easy to let it all go, lived, balanced, over?
~ Florida Scott Maxell
And that goes hand-in-hand with one of my favorites…
“What you don't embrace, you can't own.
And what you can't own is not yours to surrender.”
~ Marianne Williamson
Let’s tap…
Today I am feeling visible, so you get a video!
Thanks for tapping along :)
In my 8 week program, YOUR MALLEABLE MEMOIR we use tapping to find problematic memories, honor what feels true about them, neutralize what feels bad about them, and adjust them so they support who you’re becoming. Let me know if you want to know more.
Join me next time where I’ll treat Ruby’s Very Good Thing the same I did “Ruby’s Life”, and each week I’ll take a few pages at a time to explore the issues it raises and offer tapping scripts to go along with them…
Excellent video! 😘🥰🙌🏽💜
This was wonderful. Thank you for the guidance and reframe.❤️