Succeed... or hate yourself
When going after your dreams hurts you more than it helps you
And here we are in Installment 4 of “Ruby’s Life”…
In installment 1 - So Beautiful, So Scary - Ruby notices having the feeling of being outside her life. Not really in it. She wonders why something as beautiful as a life should feel more like a burden than a gift.
In installment 2 - When Life Feels Too Big - “I can’t!” energy wins the day and she spirals into helplessness. Oddly enough, when she fully goes ‘there’ something shifts for her.
In installment 3 - "Don't hesitate 'cause the world seems cold" - Ruby connects with the courage to re-enter her life… hoping that’s where the answers she needs can be found.
When last we saw her, she was on her way back in…
Once back in, Ruby discovers something she’d pushed down and away somewhere along the way…
Her forgotten dreams remind her how a younger, more open, less jaded version of herself felt about life’s possibilities…
What a fun dream. But the self-talk that went along with it was along the lines of, “It’s got to be Tony-award winning caliber or… why bother?”
Super exciting vision. But the unspoken belief that accompanied this one was, “It must be seen and loved by many in order for it to have value.”
Such a good-hearted dream… that harangued me with, “I must FIX IT!! Nobody else is FIXING it!!”
Too big? Really?
Yes, it’s a size issue. The way Ruby holds her dreams harkens back to something we learned about her in When Life Feels Too Big: her inclination to talk to herself in extreme and absolute language. She’s a real all-or-nothing kind of girl, our Ruby.
But I also want to note that I see a whole lot of ‘hidden agendas’ mixed up in her dreams as well. And when we have ‘hidden agendas’, they’re going to be what REALLY drive us.
‘Hidden Agendas’? What are those?
‘Hidden agendas’ are your unconscious mind hard at work trying to get your basic human needs met BECAUSE they weren’t met in your life early on.
The need for things like acceptance, security, love, motivation, support, growth.
Very basic, very human, very much needed.
If those needs weren’t met in your life early on, you end up trying to get them met later on in your life (that’s the ‘agenda’ part), just not always in very direct ways (that’s the ‘hidden’ part).
And a lot of the self-talk that goes along with Ruby’s dreams? It indicates ‘hidden agendas’.
But I want to focus on another unhelpful way of talking to herself that’s already in our crosshairs…
Ruby’s predilection for “Absolutes”
Remember, absolutes?
That all-nothing, good-bad, everyone-nobody, always-never kind of thinking that comes naturally to us BUT really messes with our perspective BECAUSE ‘extremes’ aren’t where most of life takes place (except life within the U.S. government right now on a daily basis, that’s VERY extreme, so there are exceptions).
But back to…
The Pros & Cons of Ruby’s “GO BIG OR GO HOME!” thinking when it comes to her dreams
On the ++ plus side ++
In my younger years, when I had abounding energy at my disposal, that “Go big!” way of operating felt like something to be proud of. It’s what I used to get my dreams to turn into goals… and then plans… that turned into sustained action…. and resulted in things happening that had the hallmarks of “Made it!”
Conclusion: my extreme thinking served me.
On the - - minus side - -
But on the other hand (the more consequential hand), it took a real toll on me. Things might have looked good from the outside, but on the inside my extreme thinking sounded a lot like…
“Succeed or… hate yourself.”
Which made the process of ‘getting there’ far less lovely than it might have felt if, say, the Buddha’s ‘Middle Way’ had been part of my philosophy.
More minuses - - - - -
As if the joy and happiness being sucked out of the journey wasn’t bad enough, what makes operating in ‘absolutes’ a double bummer is the way that even when you DO manage to hit the mark, ring the bell, win the prize, there’s NO WAY the fleeting experience of “Made it!” is going to be able to deliver what you imagine it’s going to deliver.
Sorry, but…
If you’ve been using mean-spirited “tough love” on yourself the whole way along, external validation isn’t going to suddenly flip a magical switch that turns on a kinder, more love-filled, self-accepting way of feeling about yourself.
No, the meanie that you’ve been cultivating will just find something else to set your sights on in the hopes that THAT will deliver the feelings you’re after.
Can you relate?
Are you one to use a little too much “tough love” on yourself to bring your dreams into reality?
It’s easy enough to find out.
Think about something you really want in your life. Something that would represent either a Next-Level-Up in life for you, OR a Really Big Vision for what you’d like your life to hold.
As you tune into it, what do you hear yourself saying to yourself about it?
Is it the kind of stuff a loving, supportive parent would say?
Or are you hearing things that are more like a beat-up job?
What are the feelings that go along with those thoughts?
Does the idea of doing what it takes to bring your dreams to life fill you with…
positive, lit-up, buoyant energy?
limiting, frustrated, battle type energy?
And now, just for kicks, let’s see if there are any ‘hidden agendas’ in there by filling in these blanks….
When I’m living my dream…
I will finally feel ______.
I will finally know that I am ______.
I will finally prove to ______ that I’m ______.
If that little self-inquiry revealed some things that aren’t exactly optimal, let’s tap…
TAPPING TO CONNECT OUR DREAMS TO OUR BEST ENERGY
FROM
I’m NOT GOOD ENOUGH (as I am)
TO
I’m (already) AMAZING… and EXCITED to Share
Two audios today…
Audio 1 is a process — with a big shoutout to
McLeod and for teaching and modeling this process for me. I love it.Audio 2 is the tapping on what we got from the process.
audio 1: A Process (6 min.)
audio 2: Tapping (9.5 min)
Thanks for reading, processing, and tapping with me! In the next and final installment of “Ruby’s Life”, we’ll look at why the way you hold your past influences what you get in the now and the future of your life… and how to apply the power of celebration to it to make it work for you.
Wow. I was so resistant that I started with believing I had the wrong dream. With you focusing on not the prompt that "I am not good enough," I had to follow along. It seems that just maybe that was the real issue. It was a relief and very freeing to rediscover that IT IS the right dream. I love this work.